Sometimes to get a family going, you need a push in the right direction. Some pushes are just a little different than others.

My name is Kat Spaulding. I’m twenty-two years old, work at an advertising firm and in my spare time I write and direct films. I am also a member of the most vindictive family in the lower forty-eight. You might be thinking that this is a matter of opinion, but there have been studies, trust me. I came to this realization a couple months ago. It was a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, and I had gone back home to visit my grandmother. It had been about four years since the entire family had come from all across the country to our maternal beacon, way on the east coast, in Kannapolis, North Carolina. This wasn’t because of any limits on our traveling abilities; it was because the last time that we had all gotten together it had ended, well, worse than I would have hoped. There were three fist fights, eight shouting matches, and at least one pending lawsuit. Gram and my granddad (now deceased) had been the proud parents of six little Spauldings (four boys and two girls), three sons-in-law, one daughter-in-law, and ten grandchildren of varying ages and sexes. However, it was me that she decided to trust with getting the family together for this holiday. I had always been one of her favorites, and as I lived only about half an hour away, I was constantly visiting her to check on the levels of her refrigerator, her radiator, television, or just helping her in the garden. She had a lot of faith in me, a lot more than I had in myself, actually, but she knew that if anybody could get this spiteful family together again, it would be her ‘little Kitten’. Yeah, it was a hassle to get people from Phoenix, Chicago, Pittsburgh, Miami, and about five other cities to have to family altogether; but it was the character of our family, and the many arguments that were left in their wake that really made this whole idea difficult. It always involved a couple betrayals, and had left several people not talking to each other. It took a lot of time, a lot of lying, and a little bit of bribery, but I finally got promises from all the family that they would be there the day before Thanksgiving, even if it killed them. I arrived early that morning, and helped Gram straighten up some of the rooms, dusting and whatnot. Gram couldn’t stop chattering, she was so excited about the prospect of having her house full again, with the family that she hadn’t seen in so long. My stomach was in knots, I had no idea what was going to happen. I was on pins and needles that whole morning. We had everything planned down to the minute. Calculated flights, cab rides, and talked to everyone to confirm. If just one thing when wrong, the whole plan would go out of the window. Gram went to the bottom of the bed to straighten the blanket.

“Oh, Kitten, It’s going to be so wonderful! Do you even remember the last time we were all together as a family?”

I sighed, “Of course, Gram, it was only four years ago.”

She walked around the bed a few more times, to check her handiwork. “Yes, but it was so long ago.”

“All I know for sure is, this is going to be one hell of a Thanksgiving.”

“And that’s going to make it extra special.”

Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of the downstairs door opening. I looked at my watch, it was exactly two thirty, and a voice boomed from the hallway,

“Hey, Ma! I’m home!”

Gram and I both moved out the door and down the stairs. Standing there was my Uncle Rufus and Aunty Lily. At 32, Rufus was the youngest boy of the family, and had met and married Lily right out of college. She was just out of high school.

Gram rushed to the door to greet them. “Oh, my little boy!” She cried, embracing Rufus.

He grimaced and hugged his mother, while Lily stood off to the side, her arms folded across her chest. Gram had gotten a little teary-eyed, and I was prepared, at her elbow with a hanky in an instant. She dabbed at her eyelids, and gave Rufus a chance to survey the room.

“Kitty!” he exclaimed, “You’re here! Boy, when I heard from you, you could’ve knocked me over with a feather! So, your Uncle Lyle has finally forgiven me. I never thought’d happen in my lifetime.”

I just smiled, nodding my head at the untruth, as Uncle Rufus bearhugged me, lifting me off my feet.

“Hello, Lily.” Gram said, smiling. She put her arm around the woman’s shoulder and led her to the kitchen. I looked at the clock, and after I had extracted myself from my uncle’s arms, I called out to Gram.

“Um, Gram, how’s the ginger looking in there? Are you sure we have enough?”

The line had been practiced enough, and Gram recognized her cue. She shuffled out of the kitchen, and took Rufus’s arm.

“Oh, honey, could you do your little old mother a favor and run to the store for me?”

She pulled a large piece of paper out of her house dress.

“Just pick up everything on this list, so we’ll be ready for the big meal.”

Rufus grimaced, looking at the hundred plus list. But he nodded and she pushed the list into his hand, I pushed some money into his pocket, and finally we both pushed him out the door. I leaned against the closed door, trying to catch my breath. All that lying had taken a lot out of me.

Gram put her hand on my shoulder, “Isn’t this fun?” she laughed.

“No, you senile old woman, this is not fun, this is just awful.” I looked at my watch. “Oh, damn, it’s almost three. Mom and Dad will be here any minute!”

Gram smiled, patted my arm, and looked me squarely in my eye, “I have complete faith in you, Kitty. Everything will be fine.”

I wavered, but finally pushed her back into the kitchen. I had only a few minutes before my parents arrived, and I had to mentally prepare to lie to them. This wasn’t something I was good at, but I only had a short time to grow more proficient at it. I heard the sound of a car approaching, and went outside. I tried to look as panicked as possible as I walked up to the passenger side of my parent’s car. As usual, they were arguing about something inside.

“All I’m saying Cyndy, is that you could have told me where the turnoff was.”

“And all I’m saying, is that, you had the map, not me.”

“But I was driving!”

“You told me-“

I knocked on the window to get their attention. They both turned to me and smiled. Of all the reasons that my parents had stayed together (though they obviously had an intense dislike of each other), I was the biggest. Even after I had moved out, and made it abundantly clear that I would be okay, if they decided that they wanted to dissolve their marriage, they still claimed that they stayed together for the ‘sake of the children’. I don’t think I have to mention that I’m an only child. The only time that they stopped fighting, even briefly, was when they conceived me, and then the fighting resumed immediately after. My mother jumped out of the car and put her arms around me.

“Sweetheart, I’m so glad to see you.”

My father came around the other side of the car.

“Are you doing well? You look well.”

My mother frowned, “No, Roger, she looks tired. Are you tired, dear? You should be careful, terrible things happen when you’re overtired. I was overtired the night your father proposed to me.”

I grimaced, and put my hands up before my father had a chance to answer, and tried my panicked look again.

“The turkey!” I exclaimed.

“What?” returned my father, looking puzzled.

“We’ve had a problem with the turkey, and, um, we need you to get another one.”

My Dad sighed, “Well, alright, anything for you, honey. Let us just go in, I’ll drop my bags off and we’ll look in on your Gram and we’ll leave right after.”

“Your bags? What about my things?” My mother countered.

“Well, if you can’t carry it, sweetheart, then you shouldn’t have brought it.”

I raised my hands again for silence. “Look, Mom, Dad, we’ve got to get started on it, okay? Just do this one thing, and I’ll be really thankful.”

The door opened behind me, and Gram walked out.

“Mom!” said my mother as she walked up the front path.

“Oh, my darling!” exclaimed Gram, wrapping her arms around her oldest daughter.

“Hi, Mom.” Said my father, sheepishly.

“Roger! It’s wonderful to see you!” she reached out her arm for him, while keeping her arm wrapped around my mother.

I gave them a couple moments, and then pulled my parents out of Gram’s embrace. Tapping my watch, I motioned to Gram.

“So, Gram, shouldn’t they get going. We need to get that turkey.”

Gram regained her sense and nodded. “Oh, yes, of course. The turkey. It’s an emergency, my babies. You’d better go get it. Do you know Hank’s? He’s my meat man.”

Mom raised an eyebrow, “Yeah, Mom, we know Hank. But he’s so far away; do we really need to go there?”

Gram nodded again, “Oh yes. Hank is the only one that I trust with all my meat needs. It should only take you about a half hour.”

“Isn’t that something, Roger? I should find somebody to take care of my meat needs. The one we have now is doing a terrible job.”

I pushed my mother into the car, before another full fledged argument could develop. Gram and I waved to them as they drove away. I sighed and rushed Gram back into the house.

“Okay,” I said, reading off my list, “The next couple arrivals should be trouble free. It’s Uncle Lyle and Aunt Peaches, followed by Uncle Butch. Then Sam, Dana, and Lois.”

“Plus all my little grandchildren.” Gram said, excitedly.

Looking at her now, I finally realized how much this meant to her. Having all her family in one place was more than just the indulgence of one old woman, it was a mother being able to see all her children’s faces once again, and that’s what was important to her. As I had predicted, the next arrivals were trouble free. It was only when my Uncle Sam saw Butch that he had been reminded of the argument they had so long ago, when Butch came out as a homosexual and the first brawl broke out. I was barely able to contain it before Lily and Peaches (not two of the most cultured people) almost came to blows in the kitchen. Walking in, I came upon their usual conversation:

“Who’re you calling a bitch, bitch?”

“I’m calling you a bitch, you bitch!”

After that, I needed a break, and decided that the empty porch would be a great getaway. Even at 43 degrees, it was warmer than the relations in that house. I had just put my hand on the front doorknob when I heard shouting from outside. When I opened the door, my Dad and Uncle Rufus had found each other in the front yard. I opened the door, yelled for Gram, and then rushed into the ensuing pandemonium. It took about an hour for us to get everyone calm, separated and into the house. That night, the silence was often cut by the sound of raised voices, as someone would lock another out of the bathroom, or my Mom and Dad would keep each other up with constant bickering. The next day was Thanksgiving and in addition in trying to keep the peace, Gram and I had to do most of the cooking. She was afraid that if she asked for help, she might run someone off. It was about eleven in the morning when everyone had just stopped talking to each other. It was like one big silent treatment. My parents weren’t talking to Rufus and Lily, Lily wasn’t talking to Lois. Sam and Dana weren’t talking to Lyle and Peaches, and Peaches wasn’t talking to Lily. None of them were talking to Gram or I for lying to them and causing all this. Once the table was set (the only thing we could get Aunt Peaches to do), and the food laid out, we gathered everyone to the table, but with no talking at the adult table, only the children, and Gram and I, were doing any kind of communication. Finally, Gram stood up.

“Well, I never thought it would happen. But here my babies are. All together in one room. This is the first time that all the Spauldings have been together in a long time. It reminds me of when your father was alive.” She was practically beaming, but a teary mist appeared in her eyes.. “But here you all are. Safe and sound. I just want you to know that I love you all.”

I rolled my eyes. It’s like she didn’t notice how practically useless this all was. They would go home, hating each other, and there was no use to even trying to change this evil family’s ways. The dinner went in virtual silence, and finally I couldn’t take it anymore. I sent all of the kids outside, and asked the family into the family room. It was time for what Gram and I called ‘Plan B’. It had occurred to Gram about a week before, and while it didn’t sit well with me for reasons that will become patently clear, I agreed to her terms, as a last resort. The other Spauldings were reluctant to go at first, but seeing that this was about to turn into a difficulty, Gram put on her best cross mom voice,

“Now, all of you, get your little butts in there! My little Kitten has done all she can for you, and the least you can do is indulge her!”

The group finally obeyed, and all of them sat in the family room; in stoic silence. After several stunted attempts to get the conversation started again, Gram gave me a significant look. I sighed, inside and out, and went upstairs to get it. When I reached the icy chamber again, there was still silence, and I loaded the video tape into the VCR. Turning up the volume, my eyes searched the ground with a new tenacity and I hunched over. As the video started, the occupants of the room shifted their attention to the TV, and what sounded to be very bad disco music began to play. The music gave way to the sound of men moaning. My head fell into my hands, and I peered through my fingers to look at my family. Gram seemed to be having a delightful time. The title of the ‘feature’ filled the screen; “King of the Jammed’. My dad balked, and I heard a couple gasps as the view of two men, engaging in what I can only politely call flagrante delicto filled the screen.

“Get on your knees, boy! Give my boots a good shining.”

As what appeared to be some sort of bondage scene continued, I sighed inwardly, hoping that my family would break before I would. However, no one said a word. My mother stood, and Gram stood with her.

“Cyndy, do you have something to say? If not, you can sit your little butt right down on that seat.”

So, it continued. The moaning of the two men on the screen became louder and louder, and yet, my family stayed completely, inexplicably silent. Uncle Rufus stared incredulously, and then turned to Gram.

“What are you doing, Ma?” he shouted.

It was necessary to shout at this point because the TV was pretty loud, and the men on screen were growing louder by the minute.

“Fuck me! Oh, yeah, ram that ass!”

Gram smiled, and yelled back, “Why Rufus, I just thought we just come together as a family.”

She yelled this as if we were at a particularly loud state fair, or we had gone to a basketball game. Rufus sank back down into the chair, and I felt his pain. If someone had told me that I would be sitting in my grandmother’s front room watching a particularly rough gay porn with both my parents and the rest of my adult family; I would have called them a perv and never spoken to them again. And yet, there I was.

“Oh yeah, I want to feel that cock in my ass! Give it to me!”

Uncle Butch cleared his throat; however the rest of the family sat in silence. Once in a while, it seemed as it someone was going to say something. It seemed as if someone was going to ask me to turn it off, but they thought better of it, and they stayed silent.

“You ready for three fingers? Relax that ass. I’m gonna pound you!”

I was sure they wouldn’t last twenty minutes. I never imagined that my family would sit there in utter silence for two hours watching gay porn because they were too stubborn to tell anyone to turn it off. Once, I saw one of my cousins trying to open the back door. I rushed back, to see to him, and returned to see my family sitting in the same positions as if nothing had changed.

“Lick that boot, oh yeah. Turn over, I’m going to whip that ass.”

This continued for a while longer, and then, finally, to everyone’s relief, the credits started, and the tape ended. It was only then that Gram allowed everyone to leave, and they all retired to different parts of the house. Gram and I went into the kitchen, to heat up some stuffing for another round of turkey, as the children were coming back in and they were hungry from all their playing.

“Well, a lot of good that did.” I remarked, leaning against the counter.

“I know.” Gram replied, as though there wasn’t a touch of sarcasm in my statement.

“C’mon Gram, admit it, your plan didn’t work. This family’s never going to get it together. We might as well give up.”

“You think so, do you?”

“I know so.” I said, licking the spoon I had used to frost the cake. “It’s okay, though Gram. We did our best and that’s all we can do.”

I was a little depressed. I had thought that if anything, we could come together and try to put our differences past us. At the very least, I was sure that ‘Plan B’ would rock their socks. But no dice. I licked a scrap of frosting off my finger, and Gram came over and gave me a hug. She didn’t seem sad at all. If anything, she was happier than she had been all day.

“You certainly did do your best, Kitten. If anybody could do it, I knew you could.” She smiled.

I was about to ask her what she was so happy about, but I was interrupted as Aunt Peaches and Aunt Lily entered the kitchen. My senses were on high alert as I expected them to be arguing, but from what I could tell they seemed to be in jovial moods.

“And then I told him, there’s no way I’m working for that much. I’ve got kids to feed! And he looked at me, and you know what? He gave me that raise.”

Aunt Lily seemed to be in the middle of a story, with Peaches listening in intently. My jaw dropped. I was under the impression they had never had a conversation that didn’t involve them yelling and calling each other a ho. My eyebrows raised, but I knew better than try to interrupt what seemed to be a stroke of good luck. Lily stopped, though, and smiled at Gram.

“Do you need any help, Mom? Peachy and I will get started on these dishes.”

If my jaw could have physically dropped anymore, it would be at lower strata levels by this time, working its way further towards the center of the Earth. I heard shouting again, and this drew my attention from the miracle. In the yard Uncle Sam, Dad and Uncle Butch were tossing the football around with a couple of the younger kids. Aunt Lois and Aunt Dana were sitting on the sidelines cheering them on, with some of the other kids acting as cheerleaders. I felt as though I’d just been sent into the Twilight Zone. My family didn’t come together like this. The only time there was togetherness was when a couple came together to gang up on the other one. I heard someone coming down the steps and saw my Uncle Rufus with his arm around Mom. They were laughing and they stopped walking when they saw me.

“Kitty! We’re going outside to join in on this football game. Wanna come?” said Mom.

I cleared my throat and blinked a couple times. “Um, you know, what, you go ahead. I’ve got to talk to Gram for a sec.”

I walked down the hall and out to the front porch, where I saw her head out to earlier. Grabbing a coat, I wrapped it around Gram’s shoulders, then sat down, I folding my knees to my chest. I stared at my grandmother. She smiled, knitting, and looking out to where her children were gathered.

“What the hell happened?” I asked, after a moment.

“You’re a genius. That’s what happened.” Gram returned, matter-of-factly.

“Gram, seriously. Something happened, and I want to know what it is. One minute they hate each other, and the next they’re best friends? That doesn’t happen in a day.”

Gram sighed a little, the huge smile never leaving her face.

“Well, I imagine that they got the idea that until they start acting like proper children, every time we get together we’ll be doing what we did today.”

I was confused. “Watching gay porn? Where would they get that idea?”

A mischievous look passed over Gram’s face. “You know what, dearest? I have no idea.”

I got up, and sat closer to Gram. Leaning into her, I nudged her with my shoulder. “You are one nutty, old bat, you know that?” I said, grinning.

She smiled even wider. “I know dear. I love you, too.”

“I wonder how long this peace will last.”

“I imagine it will last as long as I want it to.”

“Yeah, I suppose so.”

I put my head on her shoulder and sighed again. “That’s good enough for me.”